I received a phone call from our doctor at work few days back. I listened to every single words she told me so carefully and my body felt numb all over. I know I have heard whatever I need to hear because she has made it sounded so clear but I asked her to repeat everything she just told me again anyway.
My head swirl faster and faster "Kai Ling, your triple test result has came out, and it has indicated that you have a high chance of carrying a down syndrome baby. What you can do now is to come in to do another test to confirm the result, the result has a higher accuracy compare to the Triple test.. however I'm not saying that your baby is affected now, triple test is only an indication that a further test is needed, it is not a result...." her voice went blank. I cleared my throat and my mind just went totally blank. I can't think of anything. I then asked if this is anything to do with my diet but she confirmed that this has nothing to do with food or anything. It is genetic, hormonal & etc.
I took a deep breath, did not call or tell anyone, went back to my work place and finished my forecast loading. Stop by the hospital to collect the test result on my way home and read at it over and over again hoping that the doctor interpret it wrongly, hoping that I am wiser than the doctor if I could find a mistake from that piece of paper.
I then called Pa and told him about it. He sounded calm but think that you will be fine. He wanted to look at the result himself. We spent the night looking and calculating at the possibilities from the report using his engineering calculation.
I finally broke into tears and cry. I am so worry about you. I keep thinking what have went wrong and how are you doing in there? Are you suffering or do you feel just fine. This is my first pregnancy and we have been full of joy all this while until this news came unexpectedly. I don't know what to think seriously. I keep thinking I just want you to be well, I don't care what I have to go thru.
This morning, we went in to do our monthly check up and our doctor explain everything to us again. She encouraged us to do another test, and if the result also indicated positive down's baby, then we can decide to terminate this pregnancy. The doctor just can't tell by the normal usual scanning. Thru the normal scan, everything looked fine. You were active, you grow well, you are doing your thing, you swim you kick and you almost seems like normal. You are normal!
I mean look at you from this scan, you look so beautiful.
The result indicated that the chances of you being affected is 1 out of 210 babies, which means the chances are still quite good that you will be just fine like other normal baby.
we have faith and believe that you will be fine so we told the doctor that we have decided not to carry on with further test and we will not terminate this pregnancy whatever it may turn out to be.
Pa is calmer. I still panic. I still cry. But somehow behind my mind and at a corner in my heart, I feel and know that you will be fine, that you will do great, and because we have decide not to do any test, that will also means that we will need to live with that ambiguity for the rest of this pregnancy. I don't know if I will be fine for a long time, I mean for so many more months but I will definitely try.
Pa & Ma talked about it and have also decided not to tell our families members and friends to avoid all the unnecessary worries specially grandpas & grandmas when no one can actually do anything now except to have faith in God and rest everything in His hands.
And as for you, please be well and strive harder for life baby, do it for you, for me and for Pa. Do it for the 3 of US.
I promise I will be strong even though I still can't fully except the truth.
Please always know that we will never choose to terminate you, to disown you for you are you...
Labels: Babies, Family, My pregnancy
